“Undo it, take it back, make every day the previous one until I am returned to the day before the one that made you gone. Or set me on an airplane traveling west, crossing the date line again and again, losing this day, then that, until the day of loss still lies ahead, and you are here instead of sorrow.”
― Nessa Rapoport
Last Sunday was one of those days. One of those days when your soul flattens and your heart folds into the smallness of itself. One of those days when vanilla wafers are chased by Jolly Ranchers and Dubble Bubble. One of those days when no matter how much you try, you just can’t find your joy.
Last Sunday was Mother’s Day.
My children, unlike those of my friends and family, reside in Heaven. I never held them, diapered them or saw their faces. I simply imagined them.
I still do.
But I’m not bitter. Just sad.
For full arms and an even fuller heart.
For my chance.
To hear a child’s heartbeat and footfall in more than just my dreams.
And so this is what wraps my heart in hurt every Mother’s Day. When I see and hear mothers being celebrated and realize I am not among them.
I thought of this last Sunday as I sat among a small group of women. In celebration. Of them.
The conversation turned insensitive. To stillbirth and future pregnancies. For others.
And my heart screamed out:
Consider your audience!
As I squeezed back tears.
Whether by accident or design, being left out hurts.
It hurts when your place is on the sidelines.
It hurts when it’s easier to cry than to smile.
And it hurts when what’s been gained trumps what’s been lost.
It hurts. In the most sacred of places. It hurts.
But then there are angels who remind you of your worth.
They remember your scars.
And call you Beloved.
They bless you and your tiny citizens of Heaven with their love.
And their promise not to forget…
Never to forget…
**Post-write and pre-publish, I watched Lifetime’s global release of RETURN TO ZERO**
This is part of their mission statement found at http://returntozerothemovie.com/blog/
“While this film is intended for a wide-release to audiences regardless of their life experience, RETURN TO ZERO fills a particular niche for a market that has gone unserved — those who have or know someone who has experienced the devastating loss of stillbirth, miscarriage, or neonatal death.”
If you or someone you love has experienced such a loss, I highly recommend watching this film.
RETURN TO ZERO is raw, real and beautifully done. An absolute gem of a film and a ray of hope.
For us all.